Supporting our children’s behaviours
As featured in Everymum
As we adjust to a new way of living – for now, in our eyes it’s about making sure everyone stays safe and that’s what is truly most important. Like anything we all have different ways of coping and managing through change, something I believe can be hard at times; these changes don’t just impact us as parents but the children too and in so many ways. While there has been an influx of ideas and ways of keeping the children busy, more screentime than usual (no need to feel guilty!), trying to juggle working from home with the children in tow, there is undoubtedly moments of frustration, sadness, anger & worry about the unknown, for each and every one of us, including the children. The onset of that is seeing all of these emotions through our children’s behaviours, whether that be acting out through tantrums, pushing the boundaries, not listening, tiredness, irritability and more – I have yet to meet a parent that hasn’t been challenged in some way during this time including myself.
It’s important that we are able to say it out loud, acknowledge that it hasn’t been the easiest of times but that there is certain approaches we can adapt to, to make it that little
bit easier on ourselves and the children.
Validating Feelings – especially now
One of the most powerful ways to diffuse a situation or to calm a very emotional child is firstly to keep calm ourselves- I know this can be easier said than done but children rely on us to be in control. Your child will pick up on the fact that you are remaining calm in a tense situation. Next, try to acknowledge and name your child’s feelings, particularly when you can see that they are angry and upset and are simply too young to verbalise. When we listen and appreciate our children’s feelings particularly now when there is a lot of uncertainty, they learn over time to understand and manage these feelings especially the difficult emotions like anger, frustration and upset.
Pressing the pause button & choosing your moment
When you see an argument fast approaching with your child or you are very much in the middle of it. It’s usually at this point that we want to discuss the rights & wrongs of the situation. We all know it’s unlikely we’ll resolve it there and then, particularly if all parties are angry or upset. If you need to talk to your child about something important, it works well when everything has calmed down – the more fuel we add the bigger the argument will become!
Giving reasons children understand
Between the ages of 1-4 years, young children are learning the ability to understand the cause and effect of their actions, or learn from the past behaviours, and they naturally feel that the world revolves around them! They are consistently learning from observing and listening. Try to give your child the reasons; this is the key to helping them understand what we are teaching them. Young children need to understand why things do and do not happen. They need to know how their behaviour affects others and why some choices are better than others. To help children understand these ‘whys’ parents can give reasons, for example, “thank you for listening to Dad, it’s really important that you stay close to me so I can keep you safe from the road, if you run out you could get hurt”.
Choices Provide Healthy Control
At the moment, children have little choice or control over what’s happening, often children will seek out ways of control things through their behaviours, so a great approach to this is handing over some healthy control to the child - in the form of offering some choices. Rather than trying to insist children to do something, you offer them a choice between doing what you ask and a consequence for not doing so. For example, if they are reluctant to do their school work but really want the TV on “when you finish your homework then you can have your TV time, but not until then, it’s up to you” or if they are on a mission to have that snack before dinnertime, “It’s time for dinner, you can have the snack afterwards or not at all, it’s your choice”.
Work vs The Kids
For the working parent - as you get your head around what is working for you, what’s helpful, what you need to focus on or change, it’s also a good time to look at when to be switched off and fully present with the kids. They love our attention, the more quality time we spend with them the more it builds on our relationships and the less likely they come looking for us when we need to be concentrating on work tasks. Notice when they listen, when they follow a direction, when siblings are being kind to one another!
When we pay attention to our children’s positive behaviours, it completely outweighs the time we put into the negative ones.
Be Kind to Yourself
We all know that this time will pass and we will look back and wonder how we did it all! We have to make significant changes for everyone’s gain and for now it’s about managing as best we can. We are human and taking this time to look at what works best for you in your job and your family is the main thing. Ask for help if you need it, keep communication open at home with your partner, the children & your team. Take time out to recharge the batteries. Stay safe and healthy.